There are many books on becoming a parent. But there’s not likely one detailing every specific aspect of your situation. And when you’re unable to conceive with your own eggs, cannot sustain a pregnancy, or have a genetic condition that could be passed down, it can be confusing. You may not know how to navigate forward. It can be taxing both emotionally and physically.
Allow yourself to grieve the experience you wanted. Then, when you’re ready, there are a variety of ways for welcoming a child into your life. Your insurance company may cover some of the expenses, but it depends on your plan, where you live, and your health history. You can also check to see if your workplace has any employer-sponsored benefits for these services.
Now, let's take a look at some of the options for having a baby.
Egg or Embryo Donation
If you want to experience pregnancy but your eggs are not suitable for creating a healthy embryo, you might consider an egg donor. With this procedure, the egg will come from a third-party donor, and your partner's sperm will be used to fertilize the egg.
The resulting embryo will be transferred into your uterus using IVF. The use of your partner's sperm preserves a genetic connection to the child for you and your partner.
In some cases, both parents are infertile or lack healthy sperm or eggs but the woman is able to carry a baby. Here, embryo donation is an option.
Often, couples who have undergone in vitro fertilization (IVF) treatment have extra or remaining embryos left. They can donate these embryos. Using IVF, the donor embryos are transferred into your uterus. Although the baby will not have a genetic connection to you or your partner, they are legally your child. Embryo donation is typically anonymous to protect your and the donors' privacy.
How Do You Choose a Donor?
Egg donors undergo careful screening to evaluate their medical history, physical health, mental health, and risk for genetic conditions and disease. Some couples ask a close friend or relative to donate their eggs. Otherwise, commercial egg donor agencies or egg banks screen and match healthy (anonymous) donors with people looking to conceive.
Surrogacy
There are a number of reasons why you might not be able to carry a child to term. They vary from age to medical issues to having had a hysterectomy. This is why some people choose gestational surrogacy.
This is when another person, known as the surrogate, becomes pregnant through IVF on your behalf. The embryo that’s used could be from your eggs and your partner’s sperm (either currently, or from eggs you’ve previously frozen). You also can use a donated egg and your partner's sperm, or opt for a (third-party) donor embryo.
Whichever option you select, the chosen embryo will be implanted in the surrogate's uterus. The surrogate and the child are not biologically related.
One benefit of surrogacy is being involved throughout the pregnancy. Often, surrogate relationships allow you to attend critical appointments and celebrate milestones together—including the birth.
How Do You Find a Surrogate?
Fertility clinics and agencies are great places to find surrogates or tap into resources. Haven’t been working with a fertility clinic? Two suggestions:
- Look for a surrogate agency. An agency's goal is to connect pre-screened surrogate candidates with prospective parents. They can help you find a surrogate match based on how much you wish to be connected with the surrogate during the pregnancy. The agency will also support you through the process.
- Do it on your own. You may know a close family member or friend who is open to surrogacy, or you may want to find a surrogate yourself. Nowadays, it's far easier to do with online searches, social resources, and surrogate finder websites.
Keep in mind that without the help of an agency, you’ll have to handle the health screenings and coordinate with clinicians for necessary medical procedures. Plus, you’ll need legal counsel. A lawyer will guide you through surrogacy agreements.
Adoption
As the late Maya Angelou once said: “Family isn't always blood. It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs.” If reproductive treatments and surrogacy don’t fit with your plans for growing a family, then adoption might.
Adoption is when you become the legal parents of a child who is not genetically related to you. While it may be the right choice for you, adoption does not come without challenges. Here's a brief look at the ways you can pursue adoption.
Domestic Infant Adoption
This is when a pregnant woman in the United States chooses to give up her unborn child for adoption. Deciding who will be adopting her child is now a very transparent experience compared to what it once was. It’s called an open adoption.
The birth mother (or parents) may be involved in choosing the adoptive family. The two parties will typically meet to share their backgrounds and determine if and how they will remain in touch after adoption.
That includes how much contact there will be between the birth parents and the adopted child. Statistics show that approximately 95% of adoptions in the United States have some degree of openness in their arrangement.
This said, you can also have a closed adoption with birth parents who agree. No identifying information is shared between the birth parents and adoptive family, and there is no contact between them. Closed adoptions are not common in the United States.
Whichever way you go, domestic infant adoption typically involves hiring an adoption attorney or working with an adoption agency.
Foster-to-Adopt
The primary goal of foster care is to reunite children with their parents or families. This is why fostering-to-adopt carries more risk than other adoptions.
But many children in the U.S. won’t have that opportunity. Parents of kids in the foster care system may have their rights terminated by the court. When this happens, the biological parents can no longer regain custody of the child. This child can now be adopted. If you are willing to open up your home to a child in need, no matter the outcome, consider fostering to adopt.
International Adoption
In this arrangement, a non-biological child is adopted from a foreign country. International adoption is often appealing to those who want to adopt regardless of the child’s age, ethnicity, or medical history. With international adoption, you may find that much of the child’s background is unavailable, including family history. The information offered up varies by country and the type of institution managing the adoption (such as an orphanage).
To adopt an international child in the United States, you and your spouse must be U.S. citizens. If unmarried, you must be at least 25 years old and be found eligible for raising a child. How is this determined? Background checks, documentation, and more.
How Can You Adopt?
Before you get started, you'll want to do two things. First, be prepared to be patient. The adoption process can take some time, no matter which route you choose. And secondly, get your finances together, as adoptions can be costly.
Then, it’s time to decide whether you will work with a public or private agency or an attorney. There are many local resources. Be sure to look over their qualifications and rules closely, particularly as they relate to open or closed adoptions.
Expect to go through an application process. You’ll share information on your current family, background, and documentation, as well as the most desired characteristics of the child you wish to adopt (such as age and gender).
Your application must be approved by the adoption or government agency you are working with before you get matched with a child. Depending on the type of adoption, there may be meetings with birth parents or the foster child before the process moves forward. Be sure to reach out to your provider for more information and resources.
Finally, be optimistic. Adoption may not be an easy process. But the prospect of giving a child a supportive, loving home—and receiving their love in return—can be invaluable.
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